By Mathew Maavak
Dear Mr President,
It's a great honor to declare my admiration for you sir, and frankly, I don't give a shit if you get to read or understand this! As a foreigner, I tried my best to write it in your lingo.
First of all, I understand the unspeakable dangers lurking in this world, especially after NINE-ELEVENä. This is something those goddamn liberals don't understand. I know the constant menace posed by Osama Bin Laden, WOG. (That's a British title given to grunts, just below the rank of baronetcy). He seems to be giving you a mighty rough time, lugging his dialysis machines with the dexterity of a mountain goat across ragged plains strewn with electric power sockets whenever it is treatment time. That turkey and his gang of thugs are sneaky allright, always evading your satellite sweeps across the Afghan terrain. Can't blame those tin can birds as they are a few thousand miles up there. They can't sense body heat let alone take detailed photos of the terrorist while his is giving a videotaped Press conference for Fox News...uh, Al Jazeera.
The cunning buzzard has even evaded your Rambo-trained squads of Delta forces, Special Ops forces and spooks. But like Rambo, let me assure you sir, its the good guys, fighting for “freedom,” who always end up winning. And take heart, Rambo gets socked repeatedly right up to the end of the show, until the final moments. Be steadfast, in case you are in doubt, it is always that way. Have you seen those Chuck Norris flicks? Now there, I knew you would understand.
Despite the dangers, take heart Mr President, the American people and the world at large are grateful to you. You have built up a large arsenal of weapons (for our benefit), built up an even larger budget deficit (for the benefit of the Euro, I guess), and showed them UN monkeys what it is like to be John Wayne. Besides, there is no United Nations, just One Nation and that is the US of A! It’s a beacon of light to Humankindsä, a ray of hope to dictators and them fat cats who play ball with you, while telling their citizens what a jerk you are.
Boy! Didn't you get that sucker Saddam and saved us all from a 45-minute Fourth of July fireworks? Yes, you are doing right by keeping his mouth shut, at least until the November elections as the commies who visit this site don't know that everything these days have a coded terrorist message. But if Jeb Bush will run in 2008, you need to silence that tyrant forever. In this you have outdid your distinguished father and you can challenge him to a mano a mano again, after a good shot of Texan moonshine.
Your allies benefited greatly through your War on Terrorä. You know the new Spanish guy might have to do some rethinking, something you never had to do, being a determined man who had Dick Cheney doing it for you. And Tag-along Tony was never short of heat (of sorts) during that bleak London winter. What? You don't know him? Don't you dare say that sir! It's that British dude who keeps justifying your War on Terrorä.
And screw Jack Cherokee. Frenchmen don't even know what “entrepreneur” means. How can you expect them to understand the New World Order, the need for less taxes for the rich and stuff like that? Their society is still stuck deep in the Old Europe. You know the ones with Fascists values like universal healthcare, subsidized education, welfare benefits for the poor, and their stupid Enronmentalä Kyoto bullshit? And that guy Hitler may still be around, a business pardner of Grandaddy Prescott or something.
Hey, don't get me wrong. I know some jerks compare you to Hitler. He had this flair for certain things but nowhere near yours. He helped design the Volkswagen while you patented NINE-ELEVENä His style of speech was nowhere near yours. And I doubt he took his pet dog Blondie for plane rides. There are some similarities but not in the way people think. Guantanamo Bay is no concentration camp. The smoke of Auschwitz cannot be compared to depleted Uranium, some mother of a bomb, and cluster bomblets and mines and stuff that keep blowing kids up in Cambodia (near Vietnam), long after the US army kicked their asses.
I do have some grievances sir. I don't like your friend Ariel Sharon. He is fat, pudgy (that means fat again) and ugly. Must have stuffed in them big buffalo steaks after serving his army big time and facing combat. What's the point? Israel is still under attack. You guarded Texas during the Nam' days while those poor black boys from New York and poor white hillbillies got shredded in Saigon. Look what happened? Texas is safe while the Big Apple got two arrows shot right through it. Even William Tell couldn't do that. Oh, he was some Swiss cheese I'll tell you about another day. Yes, you are right about that terrorist Arafat. He wears the worst Stetson in town.
Dontcha worry about that Kerry fellow sir. Those new voting machines will assuredly keep the democratic aspirations of fellow Americans alive. Keep playing them NINE-ELEVENä tapes, spook those doubters and announce new tax relief for the people - 100 percent for the rich and a few bucks for those poor dumb folks.
As a true fan, let me give you one advice sir. Americans may not particularly like those NINE-ELEVENä tapes for political mileage. Throw them a Spanish film fiesta, especially over a place called Madrid. They will quite literally get the picture.
I don't blame you for dodging terrorists after the Sept 11 attacks. Chief Chickenhawk would have done the same thing. They don't know it comes easy to you. Boy, did you see the faces of those New Yorkers when you turned up much later after the dust had settled? Proud of having a valiant President who will stand up to Terrorä while not getting his shoes filled with debris?
I have to sign off now, sir. It's past midnight in Kuala Lumpur. That's somewhere near Vietnam...never mind. Wishing you all the best in November.
Your fan
Matt
Note: According to the official White House site NINE-ELEVENä is a trademark of George W. Bush. This could be true as Bin Laden is neither seeking an official claim nor a legal recourse. Saddam has graciously waived his claims as well. In case of any infringement I am unaware off, the trademark has been extended to certain terms like Terror as well.
March 19, 2004
Copyright@ 2004 Mathew Maavak
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